Whether I’m going to the grocery store for an hour or planning to be away longer, I find myself repeating these same reminders to Greg. I thought it would make sense to put them in writing should anything ever happen to me.

1. Make sure if Ellie insists on taking a shower, she actually gets her hair wet before lathering in shampoo.
2. Make sure if Ellie insists on taking a shower, she wets her hair before lathering and that she gets her hair wet a second time to rinse out the soap.
3. Please be sure to feed the kids at least two servings of fruit with breakfast and two servings of vegetables with lunch. Yes—raw carrots count as vegetables. No—pepperettes don’t count as food.
4. If I’m gone—I mean, really gone, let the kids have a dog. They promise to walk it and take care of it and feed it and bathe it and brush it and love it. Please Dad, please!? (no mention of picking up poop you’ll notice—that one is always noticeably absent)
5. Always carry a few Band-Aids, tissues and a box of raisins in your pocket. You won’t need them 99% of the time but the 1% you do, you will come off looking like a genius.
6. Please stop letting the kids ride around on the lawn mower with you. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal but I’ve allowed it because it’s given me some free time. If you’re reading this, I’m no longer in a place where I require free time.Don’t let the kids drive on your lap in the front seat. Even though I wave to people as they happily drive by, I’m mumbling under my smile, “What the hell are you thinking?”
7. Let Hanna get that make-up table. I know she’s only eight but she’s been clear on order of importance; dog, make-up table, food, clothing, shelter. If there’s no space in her bedroom, lose the bed. Again, see order of importance.
8. Don’t push the potty training with Chloe. She’s the most stubborn human ever to be born. She will wave those diapers in your face until she graduates from dog grooming college if you push her. She’ll start using it again when we back up the bus and realize she’s been in charge from the beginning.
9. When the girls ask if they can put on make-up just say, “okay, but Justin Bieber does not like girls who wear make-up if they are younger than twenty-one.”
10. When the teasing and talking back becomes too much to bear, don’t be afraid to have the girls pack a suitcase and drive them around pretending to look for the orphanage. Wait—that didn’t work when you tried it last time. Find a new plan.
11. When cooking raw meat, please use fresh tongs, cloths. Cross contamination is not a crazy witchy spell I made up and no, just because the food gets cooked and mixes around in your stomach doesn’t the same rules apply on the counter.
12. Don’t discount everything Dr. Oz says just because he is my slam-dunk closer during an argument. He was hand picked by Oprah and hello, heart surgeon. I think if he tells us to smear cooked carrots on our thighs we best not question him.
13. Stay hydrated (perhaps extreme for a grocery store visit)
14. Stop rolling your eyes