Sometimes I think life would be easier if we had a staff of people who were invisible when not needed (read: no work making up guest bedrooms) but magically appeared when one of their unpaid tasks required their service.
It’s really just taking the whole, “I wish there were two of me” to a higher, more efficient level.
Let’s start with a full time “Turtle Monitor.” This post would be for a person to never, ever take their eyes off the windows, constantly looking for turtles so they could add a check mark to our “Turtle Sightings” chart. Who knows how many turtles we miss while engaging in trivial things like eating or sleeping or documenting raccoon sightings?
The Turtle Monitor candidate should have zero years of schooling so they could never be lured away by a flashier title that paid more (this job pays nothing). All applicants will be tested for ADD as this role will require you to sit very, very still and simply stare, document and stare some more.
The role of translator would also be helpful. Someone to let us know what exactly our kids are singing when they repeat the Hit List from the radio. I’m not so naive that I can’t figure out when Hanna sings, “I’m gonna pop some tags. This is bleeping awesome” what she means, but does she know what she’s bleeping? This position would also require someone to help figure out what Chloe means when she sings, “A ram slam slam, A ram slam slam, gooey gooey gooey gooey ram slam slam” repeatedly while tugging her ears and running in a circle.
Bodyguard. Someone to show the kids my collection of bruises so they understand how their sharp elbows during story time actually do leave semi-permanent marks on my knees.
Last night, Chloe jumped on me when I was reading with Ellie. She knocked my nose right off the hinge, I feared it was broken and bleeding and she looked me in the eyes and said, “Ow, your nose really hurt my hand!”
Family photographer. Someone who would take one picture per year with all of us in it and teach the kids there are other settings on the camera besides ‘check out my pores.’