I tried to sneak into a University change room pretending I was a student. I’m not proud of my almost-forty-year-old-self. I even fumbled for my fictitious student card. I didn’t even attend this University when I was in school. I just wondered how far I could get before someone asked me, “Oh are you with the grown-up lady swimmers? Go ahead, I’ll buzz you in.” And they did. It was almost instant.

 
As a Mom, wandering the streets without a stroller, we can’t figure out where we fit in. Has it really been that long since I was one of you?

 
I’ve had an on-again-off again relationship with Spanx. I had to cut them off due to a lack of circulation and at one point, someone had to ask me why my legs were blue from the thighs down.

Oh that’s just my Spanx. They’re supposed to do that. Don’t I look slim?

 
Then there was the time I wore a pair to a wedding to hold things up and in and to smooth out the excess and then someone hugged me and without saying a word, tilted their head, squinted one eye, “What on earth is that roll of skin toppling out of your undergarments?”

 
I’ve also noticed I can no longer jump on a trampoline.

 
We recently took the kids to a trampoline warehouse and the gentleman taking my money asked me if I would be joining the children in the pit. I explained that I would love to but I’ve had three children.

 
His response was, “I’ve had four children and I still bounce.” We agreed to a fierce staring contest and then I just walked away.

 
I tried to do a cartwheel for my daughter recently and it too failed miserably. She’s five and is making great improvements towards navigating her way through this most exciting time in a young gymnast’s life and I wanted to show her how the experts did it. My wrist is still throbbing.

 
Breasts. When I was pregnant and then nursing, they were huge and I didn’t like them. When I stopped nursing they deflated to the size of a discontinued penny.

 
And change rooms don’t lie. It’s all coming off and as much as we can disguise things under the right lighting, accessories, wigs, clothes, denim vests, at some point, full exposure is inevitable.

 
I see the girls glancing around and one of them whisper, “Oh, that bra was like an optical illusion or something. What happened to that lady’s body?”

 
Three kids.

 
Three. Kids.

 
Three.

 
Kids.

 
My body is a wonderland. Complete with roller coasters, snack bars, water slides, a ferris wheel, some litter thrown around…..