Flirting With A Shoplifter….

The girls and I headed to a store I loathe armed with our school supply list to check off everything necessary to get us through day one of grades one and four respectively before receiving a second, much longer, contradictory list.

Our first run went reasonably well and we left with just one extra pencil case for the two (and a half!) year old as she was really feeling left out of the whole back-to-school shopping experience.

I drove very slowly past the store next door where I noticed a sidewalk sale that caught my attention so, I unloaded the three girls for a second time so we could buy Chloe a lap desk for hours of circle drawing at the ergonomically correct two (and a half!) year old height. It wasn’t until we returned home, I realized we already had a desk but it had been swallowed by Toy Mountain.

It was at this time Ellie started to tell a hilarious story she remembered from camp last week about one of the leaders flirting with another leader but it took her a total of twenty-six minutes to finally spit it out with breaks for uproarious laughter and choking back giggles almost always on the words, “flirting” and “ooooooh you’re in loooooove”.

The girls spotted some magic beans at the check-out and put them on the conveyor belt signifying to the clerk we wanted to purchase them.

They were quickly instructed to return the magic beans both for the ridiculous promise in the name and for the $1.50 price tag as I knew Dollarama sold the very same beans for $1, much closer to what Jack would have been willing to pay.

The girls left discouraged, shaking their heads at the ground about their lack of beans. It wouldn’t be the first time.

We drove to a clothing store and found a couple of things for back-to-school and quickly spotted Dollarama. The beans were calling out to the girls so I decided to take the chance on one more unbuckling, never knowing when Chloe will decide she is going to protest climbing back into her five-point-harness and then we wait, wishing the magic beans would whisk us home on the horn of a unicorn.

Magic beans were sold out or not in their regular spot. Ellie still trying to blurt out the word flirt was beside herself with giddiness and appeared to be over the thrill of the bean. Hanna looked depressed enough for everyone combined but that’s always been part of her charm. She would later tell me, “I KNEW my popsicle was freezer burnt! I could hear the shrinkling under the wrapper!” How does one argue with shrinkling?

We walked out of Dollarama empty handed. Sort of.

About half way to the car, Ellie “the Narc” stopped laughing and started shouting, “Mommy! Chloe stole! Chloe stole those!”

You’d think I would have jumped back in horror but I was surprisingly calm. I was really hoping being so close to the car I would turn around to find Chloe with a free balloon someone was handing out or chewing something she had found on the sidewalk.

Instead, I saw two, giant, novelty address books or photo albums or binders covered with an almost offensive fuzzy, heart pattern in bright neons.

That’s a first. My child is a shoplifter.

I didn’t say anything other than “Ellie, please stop giggling and try to finish your story” oh and “follow me guys, we’re going back in.”

I tried to explain to the older girls how serious it was to take something without paying but wasn’t hard on Chloe because she’s just two (and a half!) and the books were as big as her entire body so what kind of security does this place have (if any)? And “she doesn’t really understand what she did.”

Chloe snickering: Yeah guys, I don’t understand what I did.

Then she proceeded to spell “Schlotzhauer.”

My prediction that this child was put on earth to mess with me, stands.

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