I read the headline of an article (remember, I have no time to read entire manuscripts) in short, a woman wondered why her stay-at-home-mom friend was too busy to talk to her on the phone. It said something about how being home with kids is about relaxing and enjoying. At least, I think that’s what it said, I was busy spit-shooting three day old tea sludge through my yet-to-be scraped teeth.
I guess there is a small percentage of the population who thinks;
1. Stay-at-home-Moms are caught up on the latest novels, current events and movies. The truth is I haven’t read a book other than a board book or Elmo lift-the-flap (while secretly wishing there was a lift-the-flap feature for my eye-lids that I would invent if I wasn’t so damn tired). The only vampire named Edward the stay-at-home-Mom is familiar with is Edward Scissorhands and I’m not totally convinced he was a vampire because I slept through the entire movie. That was the last time I slept soundly.
2. They think we spend time drinking copious amounts of delicious coffee beverages with girlfriends. I’ve said this many times, caffeine is an important vitamin for stay-at-home moms and a kettle with an automatic shut-off is perhaps the most important baby tool a new Mom can own. It has literally saved my life and the lives of my children. It’s plugged in about 18 times but only ever brews two single cups of tea a day. The tea steeps sometimes into a forty-five minute cup of sludge that Dawn soap powerful enough to remove oil from ducks can’t even touch. You’re just thankful the stain is on the inside and doesn’t discolour the words “World’s Sexiest Mom” printed on the outside of your fanciest mug. If only it came with a mirror. And girlfriends? You haven’t seen any of them since the baby shower.
3. Live theatre—Granted, the S-A-H-M is fortunate enough to be the audience for countless hours of live theatre but the cast is almost entirely made up of puppets and you had to do all of the costumes, sewing, maintenance, set design and script writing to bring any of it to fruition. The wrap party consists of celery and peanut butter and if you’re lucky, 3 day old tea.
4. Hair is done. Please don’t confuse a sloppy pony-tail held together by grease, no elastic required, as a fancy up-do. I’m not saying there isn’t an elastic hidden in there somewhere, there might be, your guess is as good as mine. Also, the slicked back look is grease, not expensive product. And no, it’s not sweat from a killer work-out at one of those fancy gyms where women wear make-up and dangly earrings while exercising. Those gyms exist only in the minds of men.
5. If I’m wearing black, it’s not because I think it’s chic or slimming, it’s because it’s the closest thing I have to a referee’s uniform.
6. Please don’t confuse my silly grin as being confused or lost. I’m actually asleep standing up behind a pair of novelty sunglasses.
7. I can’t answer my phone or make a call because the bedroom phone is in the toilet and the family room phone is being used to balance the bottom of a Barbie pyramid. Our emergency phone is propped against the automatic shut-off button on the kettle. I’m pretty sure that’s what they meant by an emergency.
8. Golf—I guess people assume the S-A-H-M has time for what seems to me to be the lengthiest sport in existence. I do hold a golf club from time to time but it’s only ever in self defence.
9. Dishes—friends wonder why my dishes aren’t always done. I’m just waiting for the skin on my chapped hands to heal before I can put them back in the water. My prescription is still good for another 24 hours.
10. Vehicles—You know those friends who laugh and say, “Hey, how’s the mini-van soccer Mom?” and you think, just wait. Kids or no kids, once they’ve tried it, they’ll never go back.