The girls have had three birthday parties in as many weekends and three more to come before the end of the school year.

While they excitedly wave those hand printed envelopes they can’t wait to retrieve from the secret pockets of their backpacks, I start to cringe about having to go shopping one more time for a two hour event that buggers up an entire weekend.

Let me be clear. The invites are far better than the alternative which is being excluded so for that reason I am happy to take the girls and hope just as many kids will be available when it’s their turn. It’s the shopping and guessing game that goes along with it I hate.

I find myself wandering up and down toy aisles thinking, “We like ‘Guess Who’ Samantha will love ‘Guess Who’…..won’t she?” I put Guess Who in the cart but only as long as it takes me to turn down the next aisle and add a Disney character in the same $20-$25 price range. I then dump Chris, Justin, Ashley, Sarah, Kyle, Brandon and their easy-to-detach disguise flaps and continue until I convince myself that people have enough dolls. What if Samantha has never been to Disney and/or seen this movie or read this book? Oh God, what if she can’t read at all and this is a terrible reminder in front of all of her friends. I move along with a baby in the front basket and an otherwise empty cart.

Do I go for a game or a doll? If the host child already owns the game, my kid comes off like an ass and is blown off, assigned the role of family dog on Monday on the school playground. If they don’t like Rapunzel, again, my kid is hanging their head in shame while playing pin-the-tail-on-will-i-am and wishing they lived with the host family and not the clueless mother about to pick her up.

So then I try the “think outside the box” approach. Except that usually lands me in hot water when I return home and announce to the girls that I bought their friend a kite or a science experiment or a learn-to-knit kit and they sob, pounding the floor screaming they’re embarrassed to make a card with their name attached to something so utterly stinky.

Make-up? My kids LOVE getting make-up but as a parent, I detest receiving it. It’s messy, it’s inappropriate for this age group and it’s filled with twenty random kid’s germs before the end of the party. Not to mention, there’s something creepy about hosting a group of wholesome, five or seven year old kids and sending them home looking like Jon Benet Ramsey.

Why can’t we just go back to 1982 when a mixed tape had you pinky swearing on your friendship for life?

Can’t I adopt a goat in my child’s name? Kids like farm animals for a good cause don’t they?

I recently went shopping for two parties and picked up two gifts. One was a Littlest Pet Shop box set, the other was a Zoobles toy. The Zoobles rang in at $24.99 and until that day, I had never seen or heard of this toy but apparently they are taking over the schoolyards. A Zooble is a small plastic ball (think quarter sized bouncy ball) when pressed against something metal, a small piece pops out and magnetizes itself to it and for $25, it can be all yours.

I set the Zoobles aside for the child I know well and the Pet Shop for the child I don’t.

I wrapped both gifts, wrote two cards and was quickly told the child I didn’t know LOVED Zoobles and because her party is first, the Pet Shops will have to be held for party number two.

Three down, three to go.

I’m thinking Cuddles is a nice dog’s name for the schoolyard.